Perfectionism is Broken

Great transformations really do begin within. Like taking negative thoughts, feelings, experiences and turning them into poetic works of art. Ok, so maybe these won't be in an English Major's Anthology of Great American Classics-yet-they are works of art nonetheless. They are created from nothing, really, an expression and creation like a Divine Spark. My negative thoughts are like the murky waters that birth the beautiful Dragonfly. The ashes from which the Phoenix rises. The fertile soil from the compost of my mind.

I really do just sit down and write these. A thought or phrase comes to mind-or an image or a feeling-and I just write. It is like free-form writing (which I am a great fan of) however, I want to transform it in the process rather than burn it afterwards. I want to see the beauty and gift from each thought so I can learn to see each moment-including myself in each moment-in its beauty and gift. Call it my optimism microwave.

A smart girl like you should be perfect

A chill

And a burn

Begin

The icy hot

Swell that rises

From deep within

Wincing

Like a hot shower

On a cold, naked body

An automatic response

To responding automatically

From stories and fables

Told

Which scold

My inner psyche

Defensive wounds

Leaving me defensive

And unaware

That I have been fighting

For so long

Until I realize

That my codependence

Has been protecting me

From my shame

Of failing to be perfect

Like I was told to be

Through statements of

How could you?

How dare you?

You should

Know better

Be better

Act better

Protect better

Look better

Smell better

Think better

Dress better

Write better

Hear better

Behave better

Be louder

Be quieter

Be more active

Be more still

Because you should

A smart girl like you

Should be perfect

So you don’t make me

Look at myself

My own imperfections

And failures

And mistakes

Carry them for me

You should be strong enough

For everyone

And don’t blame me

If you are wounded

Because you should

Have known better

I Love My Mirror

Today's posting of my spontaneous poem is about learning to love. And the mirrors that are set up in relationships. 

Recently, I have just seen clearly my codependent ways. (cringe!) I think I was co-dependently protecting myself from it. I just thought I was being nice and loving and helpful. I didn't want to hurt anybody. I thought codependents were the ones who did drugs because the other person did, or robbed a bank to pay for it. I didn't get the whole "robbing my own soul for the sake of others" part of it all. I didn't get the damage and toll living a life like this took on me. I thought I was just a giver: the non-bitchy, easy going, I'll take care of you, low maintenance, whatever you want, how can I please you and make it all better, I won't get angry in front of you-I'll just go cry in the shower, or eat a pint of ice cream (or my fingernails) kind of gal. I would always know what to say but I didn't really know how to do it myself, for myself. I put on a great show. Or at least a great showing. Until I couldn't anymore. (More on that later!)     

I cannot be

Your savior

Your crutch

Your excuse

Your reason

Your justification

Your demise

Your healer

Your doormat

Your thorn

Your do-over

Your hero

Because I am mine

I can be

Your mirror

To show you

Yours

Beginning Somewhere

With so much to say, it's hard to know where to begin! For me, tonight, the important thing is that I begin. Big steps happening here! For any beginning is a big step.

I've started writing a spontaneous poem each night. What is a spontaneous poem, you ask? It's a poem that I simply begin with one word, image, or phrase and let it spontaneously flow. It was a spontaneous decision that I made a few nights ago-I finally decided to let my resident and wonderful muse back in the house. I guess I kicked her out a few years ago playing "tough love" or something. It wasn't her I was "tough loving", it was me. I went through a phase where loving myself was really tough (like my whole life!). Loving others-that was easy! Loving myself-heck! even liking myself-now, that was tough! It's amazing how being bred to be such a "people-pleaser" it was so challenging to remember that I, too, was a people and I deserved to be pleased, respected, liked, have nice things done for me by me just as much as strangers, friends, family, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, you name it, did.  

So here is my first step. My first Spontaneous Poem. I know there is lots more to come. And for now, I am pleased.

These leaps of faith

Are like gulps of breath

Taken the moment before

You find yourself

Tumbling in the sandy waters

Of waves while riding

On a Boogie Board

Hearing the murmurs

Of the laughter and voices

Above you

Realizing that your best friend

Has ridden the wave in as well

Only to beach herself above you

Laughing at the wild ride

Unaware that you are sandwiched

Between the boards beneath her

Fearful that you will drown

In the unknown

That no one will hear you

Or know that you are even there

And while she is celebrating the joy

You are panicking

Succumbing

To the blaring deafness

Of faith

Then it is there

As if it never happened

Breath

The only evidence

Is the sand pile in the lining of 

Your swimsuit crotch.